Repetition compulsion is the repetition of a traumatic event and an attempt at mastery of one’s feelings and experience, in the sense that she unconsciously want to go through the same situation but that it not result negatively as it did in the past. Some people make the same mistakes over and over. The individual unconsciously arranges for variations of an original theme which he has not learned either to overcome or to live with.
I always madly fall in love with someone of authority and lose my head over it. This time around alcohol helped me get rid of all inhibition in an attempt to act out a Freudian fantasy. This fantasy was the original state of pure fusional relationship I had with my father and the trauma of the seperation at age 4 when I left my home country and my parents lost their status. Part of us died then, it was never the same again after that. Over and over again I am compulsively running after this very distinct feeling of passionate and transcendal state in jobs and love relationships; risking everything. When I was in the midst of it this time I felt wonderful, like a different person and tried to convince myself that it would be lasting forever… until everything collapsed, rejection occured which left my heart shattered and got me back to the person I was but couldn’t accept! This compulsive feeling relates me most to addicts.